Boundless Appetite.

Philippians 3:19 (Amplified Bible) reads:

19They are doomed and their [a]fate is eternal misery (perdition); their god is their stomach (their appetites, their sensuality) and they glory in their shame, [b]abiding with earthly things and being of their party.

It is around this time of Lent that one begins realizing one's place and sinfulness. Some say that God sometimes lifts his Grace a little that we might know humility. Lately it seems I have become more aware of the insatiability of my appetite. Not that I am given over to a specific fervor per se, such as alcoholism or something of that manner, but rather it is a constant murmur of selfish indulgence. Anything from delaying homework and studying, to eating more food than I really need. Indeed, we notice first in our belly how much we crave what we do not need. If I buy some sweet thing, even before finishing it I want another! If I give in to this I want yet a third! Yet fulfilling these lusts never leads one to contentment. Rather it seems to war against the fabric of peace in our hearts, which is Christ and him crucified.

Ascetism apparently comes from the Greek meaning something along the lines of struggle, exercise, etc, which in a undeveloped way reminds me of Jacob being called Israel after his struggle with "a man". Hmmm, truthfully that passage leads me somewhat mystified though it would be nice to read some commentary of the Fathers on such a verse... anyways getting back on topic.

Overall Lent is always a failure in the sense that we never become perfect by human effort, and always a success (God willing!) in the sense that we realize that only by being humble and "weeping and lamenting" before Christ can we be saved. Only by his Grace.

God grant me erasure of my vanity and dissuade the passions of lust in me! Ambition, idleness, slothfulness, idle talking... These are the passions that wage war against mankind, against me.

Wonder and Grief.

What does one do when while reading a book, the thoughts therein lead you into contemplating something else and upon picking up the book again find those other thoughts of your own present in the next chapter? Of course I ask because this just happened to me. The very first pages of the book starts out "We are astonished at the discovery of ourselves which is also the beginnings of the knowledge of God; we are astonished to see the world open out towards God's infinity. We are also sad, both for ourselves and the world."

How many times have my eyes stopped to try and see the heavenly things around us? They are not far off, rather each one of us must look off past them for this light blinds us with truth. Man is a mystery echoing the great mystery of the personhood of the three in the Trinity. This is what I realized on Sunday and yet again the next day and the next. No matter how many times I 'discover' this my gaze is overwhelmed at seeing this quality of existence. My words do not explain what I can barely grasp in sight. My heart struggles to cope. And the amazing thing is that this book repeats all these things and more.

On this last Sunday I gained God-parents. It was strange now to find a new connection that hadn't existed before, perhaps due to the grace and provision of the Holy Trinity. After a light dinner and a glass of wine we discussed for many hours life and entering the mystery of the Church. There is something that bonds people that is deeper than just words, part of the mystery of man's creation perhaps. But now my heart feels almost overwhelmed at these things as when one sees over the top of a hill thinking it is a mountain and seeing the shock of exactly how large the mountain is and how far we can yet travel to the top. This both amazes me in the depths of love that exist and also how much further there is to go.

It is easy to become disheartened from such a sight, a fear of new things even if they have always been there despite our ignorance of them. Perhaps it takes more strength than we possess to even ponder such things. May God grant us his great mercy! Not that I complain here or find a malcontent sadness, but rather as the book continues "It is sad to be blind, it sad to be unable to live to the fulness of our vocation, to be trapped again and again in our own limitations. It is sad to see our world without God, vacillating between life and death and unable to choose life once and for all or to escape once and for all from death." This is the great sadness of the world. This is the time before the fullness of Christ.

Again I shall refer you to one of my favourite verses:

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.[1 Corinth. 13]

We haven't even discussed how these great mysteries around us relate to love, yet this is what Paul speaks about. This is the part of the mystery that truly causes my heart to tremble, both in expectation and in the knowledge that I lack in this love. Lord Have Mercy!

St. Paul's words are best to end with here:

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

We must have hope! We must have faith! Yet most of all we must have love, especially when it aches the most. Indeed this is when we must pursue it the quickest!